DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY

A dysfunctional family refers to a family, in which conflict, misbehavior, and often child neglect or abuses on the part of individual parents occur continuously and regularly, leading other members to accommodate such actions.

Children sometimes grow up in such families with the understanding that such a situation is normal. Such families are results of two adults, one typically overtly abusive and the other one co-dependent and may also be affected by addictions i.e. substance abuse – drugs, and/or sometimes by untreated illness.

Dysfunctional parents may emulate or overcorrect from their own dysfunctional parents. In some cases, the dominant parent will abuse or neglect their children and the other parent will not object, misleading a child to assume blame.

Such families have common features and behavior patterns as a result of their experiences within the family structure. This tends to reinforce the dysfunctional behavior either through enabling or perpetuation. The family unit can be effected by a variety of factors.

COMMON FEATURES

Near universal

Some features are common to most dysfunctional families:

a) Lack of empathy understanding and sensitivity towards certain family members while expressing extreme empathy or appeasement towards one or more members who have real or perceived “special needs”. One family member receives far more than they deserve, while the other is marginalized.

b) Denial – refusal to acknowledge abusive behavior possibly believing that the situation is normal or even beneficial.

c) Inadequate/missing boundaries for self- tolerating inappropriate treatment from others, family to express what is acceptable and unacceptable treatment, tolerance of physical, emotional or sexual abuse.

d) Disrespect of others – purposely violating a boundary another person has expressed.

e) Extremes in conflict – Too much fighting or insufficient peaceful arguing between family members.

f) Unequal treatment of one/more family members due to their birth order, gender, age, family role, abilities, race, caste.

NOT UNIVERSAL FEATURES

Unique Features

a) Abnormally high levels of jealously or other controlling behaviors.

b) Children afraid to talk about what is happening at home or are otherwise fearful of their parents (within and without the family).

c) Abnormal sexual behavior such as adultery, promiscuity or incest.

d) Lack of time spent together especially in recreational activities and social events (we never do anything as a family).

e) Parents insist that they treat their children fairly and equitably when that is not the case.

f) Family members (individual children) who disown each other, or refuse to be seen together in public.

g) Conflicts influenced by marital status:-

• Between separated/divorced parents usually related to or arising from their break-up.

• Conflict between parents who remain married for the sake of children but whose separation/divorce would in fact remove a detrimental influence on those children.

• Parents who wish to divorce but cannot due to financial, societal, religious or legal reasons.

14 Common Traits of an Adult child of an Alcoholic or otherwise Dysfunctional Family

1). We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.

2). We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.

3). We become alcoholics, marry them or both or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonments needs.

4). We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.

5). We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us to look too closely at our own faults.

6). We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.

7). We become addicted to excitement.

8). We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and rescue.

9). We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel/express our feelings because it hurts so much (denial).

10). We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.

11). We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.

12). Alcoholism is a family disease and we become Para-alcoholics and take on the characteristic of disease even though we did not pick up the drink.

13). As Para-alcoholics we are reactors rather than actors.

14). We become isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.