Cause and effect is one of the most commonly used methods for solving problems. Certainly, breakups are no exception. No matter what kind of problem you’re dealing with, identifying its nature is always the best first step to take. In the case of your breakup, you should start by determining its cause. You may want to try writing it down for future reference.
Granted, that subheading sounds more like a section title for a thesis paper, but that’s actually a good thing. Dissecting a failed relationship is a painful process, but you need to find a way to move on from what happened – to see the bigger picture and learn from your mistakes in order to get your ex back…for good.
Honesty
This is the make-or-break factor when determining the cause of a break up. When emotions are running high and you’re too close to the situation, it’s hard to be honest and objective about what really happened. Keep in mind that understanding what made you and your partner break up does not mean you have to play the blame game. It’s not that at all. It’s not about determining who was wrong. Rather, being honest about the true and real cause of your breakup means thinking about what you can do better the second time around.
Of course, it takes two to tango, so obviously what your partner can do to make you a stronger couple will also come up. You need to be honest about which role your partner will be taking, but – again – remember to put a positive spin on things. Example: Right: You will spend more time with your partner to show that you care. Wrong: You will spend less time working to focus on your partner.
Although both may essentially mean the same thing, how you look at your goal and strategy can make things look rosier for you and your ex. And naturally, the same rules also apply to your ex. Right: Your partner will be more sensitive about your feelings. Wrong: Your partner will refrain from treating you with disrespect. Simply put, you can be honest while being tactful at the same time. Allow each other to read between the lines and avoid saying hurtful things when discussing or considering the cause of your breakup.
Closure
Breakups are not always the result of a mutual decision. At times, it’s entirely one-sided. If you were the one left hanging and clueless after the breakup, then you need to find closure first. If you are lucky, your ex shall willingly help you find closure. If not, there are two things you can do: you can try coming up with the reason behind the breakup on your own – or you can just let it go. Either way, it’s best not to make any negative assumptions about your ex. That’s definitely not a good place to start if it’s reconciliation you are after.
Figure out if you truly want your ex back
Do you remember one of the three essential questions that you asked yourself at the start of this book? Do you still love your ex? You’re probably thinking that if you answer yes to that question it means you get to skip this chapter. But actually, that’s not the case at all. Although relationships are one of the grayer areas of life, that’s not to say there are no right and wrong reasons for getting your ex back.
Time to think
Some relationships are destined to last and be better the second or third time around. However, there are also relationships which are doomed from the start or are best left and forgotten in the past. In this chapter, you get to figure out if your reasons for wanting to reconcile shall help – or hurt – your chances of getting your ex back.
You still love your ex
That’s probably the best reason to try getting your ex back. In fact, the outcome is just secondary. What matters right now is that you gave it your best shot. If it still doesn’t work out in the end, you would have at least saved yourself from tormenting yourself with numerous what if questions about what more you could have done to have your former partner back in your life.
You are guilty about the past
Guilt can be just as strong of a motivator as love can, but it is not a good reason to get your ex back. If the love is not there, then you just need to learn to live with the guilt until time and forgiveness causes it to fade. Reconciling with a former flame out of guilt will only result in more heartbreak.
You want to try again
It might not be the best reason to get your ex back, but it is not a bad reason either. Love may not be present for one or both sides, but that does not mean you can’t fall in love with each other on the second try. If this is your reason for wanting to get back with your ex, just make sure that you do not offer any false promises about your desire for reconciling. Lies will only muddy the waters between you and your ex, not to mention the fact that dishonesty never makes a reliable foundation for any relationship.
You are guilty about the present
You did nothing wrong when you broke up. However, you heard about how your ex is faring badly at present, and this makes you feel guilty. That’s understandable, but it’s not a good enough reason to get back with your ex. You need to dig deeper and find out if it is just companionship, an apology, or truly another shot at love that you want to offer.
You are lonely
It may not be the worst reason to get your ex back, but it’s certainly one of the worse. Seeking the company of your ex out of loneliness would be a selfish act on your part. Reconciling may be a blessing for you, but what about your ex? Do you think it will make your ex feel good if he or she learns the real reason why you wanted to get back together? You could have many other reasons, and not all of them may be valid. At the end of the day, you need to listen to both your heart and mind. Is getting your ex back truly the right thing to do, and is it something you truly want?
Excerpted from the book Ex Attraction Secrets.
This excerpt has been edited and condensed for clarity.
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