Anger Management has become highly publicized, and statistics show that one of the most insidious forms of violence, domestic violence, is on the rise, and the old adage that you hurt the ones you love proves, all too often, to be true. Men commit 95% of all violent crimes. Domestic violence is the top cause of emergency room visits by women. During the Vietnam War, more women were murdered at home than men killed on the battlefield.

Just like anger management is a learned behavior, so are the cycles of violence that define domestic violence in all its forms. Abuse of marital, or life partners, has seen a steady increase in all socioeconomic statuses of people everywhere. Child abuse has escalated steadily over the years, and more and more angry parents are in counseling with equally angry, out of control children.

It seems clear that better methods of communicating, dealing with the most intimate of interpersonal relationships, and productive methods of anger management are vital in today’s world. Whether you blame violence on television, in movies, in video games, or within the families themselves, everyone realizes some proactive steps need to be taken to stop the cycle of violence, and teaching good anger management techniques seems to be the most popular choice to accomplish that task.

Domestic violence often has its root in men with low self-esteem, who over react to imagined wrongs and rejections, and is most prevalent in homes of young, unskilled males, who are substance abusers. It is never right for anyone to be abused. Many female victims of spousal abuse are often coerced into believing they are to blame for the violence against them, but nobody deserves to be abused. Everyone deserves to live and be safe, and any victim of domestic violence should seek legal and professional help centered in positive anger management techniques.

Anger management and reinforcing negative behavior

Poor anger management leads to violence, and violence has a way of getting out of control, until it takes control of the lives of everyone involved. Reinforcing negative behaviors by rewarding a person's verbally abusive behavior (allowing it, excusing it and returning to things as usual) will increase such behavior.

When family members indulge the aggressive person, their violent tendencies not only remain, they are known to actually allow the person’s poor anger management to escalate to more serious, or harmful behaviors, and can ultimately escalate into physical violence. When angry people learn there won’t be consequences for inappropriate behavior, they can continue without fear of reprisal.

Children, who grow up in this type of family dynamic, learn by modeling this destructive behavior. The cycle of poor anger management continues, because children in dysfunctional families learn at an early age that, to get what they want, it is okay to destroy things, and hurt others.

A very prevalent dynamic in abusive relationships is guilt and remorse for angry outbursts, followed by begging forgiveness and promising to change, but in the absence of help in developing good anger management skills, the cycle continues, and, since the negative behavior is reinforced, and there are no consequences for the negative behaviors, the violence escalates. Some people who get angry just cannot talk about the problem.

This type person emotionally distances themselves to take care of their anxiety, while the others involved need to talk to bring about closure, so they can deal with their own anxiety related to the anger and outbursts with which they are faced. These relationships feed on cycles of violence that progressively escalate until the family unit falls apart, or they are forced to seek help, by loved ones, or the judicial system, to develop good anger management skills.

Anger management and substance abuse

Anger that comes out when someone is drinking or high on drugs can be extremely destructive. Never, should you try to talk to, or reason with, or argue with someone who is under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Inebriated people are unable to process information correctly through the haze of alcohol and/or drugs. Substance abuse impairs decision making, and inhibitions and result in the loss of patience.

If you are in an altercation with someone under the influence of any substance, leave and do not return until the individual is sober. A steadfast rule should be to never stay around to be abused by someone who is out of control with alcohol or drugs. If you are closely involved with someone who has an abuse problem related to substance abuse or misuse, learn from people who have been where you are now–in relationships with angry people with abusive tendencies related to substance abuse.

People in the twelve step programs have been on the front line of your problem. These self-help groups offer your free education about the types of problems that you are facing. Look for a program where you feel comfortable, and make a choice based on where you feel you get the most support, and the information and encouragement to take proactive measures to make sure you are not in harm’s way.

Once the person is calm and sober, then they should be confronted with their substance abuse and related Anger management issues. Substance abuse counseling, treatment, and anger management training can benefit people with substance abuse related anger control problems, but the bottom line is, you have a responsibility to yourself and those you love to separate yourself from such a person until they get help both for their substance abuse problems and their anger management issues.

Anger management and child abuse

Poor anger management is the primary cause of physical abuse resulting in serious injury or death of children. In 2004, it is estimated that 1,490 children died due to child abuse or neglect. Over 80% of the children who were killed were younger than four years old, approximately 12% were four to seven years old, 4% were eight to eleven years old, and 3% were twelve to seventeen years old.

Shaken Baby Syndrome, an injury directly related to poor anger management skills, in which a parent, usually the mother of the child, becomes angry, and shakes the baby, causing severe brain damage, affects between 1,200 and 1,600 children every year. Approximately 25% to 30% of these babies die each year, and nonfatal consequences of this lack of anger management skills, include varying degrees of visual impairment, motor impairment such as cerebral palsy, and cognitive impairment.

Excerpted from the book How To Effectively Control Your Anger by Wings Of Success.

This excerpt has been edited and condensed for clarity.

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