STEP FOUR NOTES

In this Step, you continue to eliminate opportunities for denial by taking an honest – and sometimes uncomfortable* – at yourself, your behavior when drinking/using, and the effect it has, both on yourself and upon others. Before you can ever attempt to change your behaviors and attitudes, you have to know what needs changing.

This inventory is not just about finding out your weaknesses – those things that need changing. It is also about uncovering your strengths – those positive traits that you can expand upon. Your personal inventory must be:

Fearless – as you face the truth about yourself that you may not like. But only by acknowledging your faults can you take steps to correct them.

Searching – as you sincerely take time to examine your thoughts, words, and deeds. To this end, it is a good idea to write your inventory down.

Moral – as you weigh those thoughts, words, and deeds against an objective standard of what is right against your own selfish desires.

An Inventory of Ourselves

The Fourth Step asks us to take an inventory of ourselves, not of other people. Yet when we begin writing and looking at our resentments, fears, behavior, beliefs, and secrets, we will find that most of these are connected to another person, or sometimes to an organization or institution. It's important to understand that we are free to write whatever we need to know about others, as long as it leads us to finding our part in the situation. In fact, most of us can't separate our part from their part at first. Our sponsor will help us with this.

Spiritual Experience

In the Fourth Step, we will call on all of the spiritual principles we begun to practice in the first three steps. First of all, we have to be willing to work a Fourth Step.

We'll need to be meticulously honest with ourselves, thinking about everything we write down and asking ourselves if it's true or not. We'll need to be courageous enough to face our fear and walk through it. Last, but not least, our faith and trust will carry us through when we're facing a difficult moment and feel like giving up.

Inventory

Get comfortable. Remove any distractions from the place where you plan to work on your inventory. Pray for the ability to be searching, fearless, and thorough. Don't forget to stay in touch with your sponsor throughout this process.

Resentments

We have resentments when we re-feel old feelings, when we are unable to let go, when we cannot forgive and forget something that has upset us. We list our resentments in the Fourth Step for a number of reasons.

First, doing so will help us let go of old anger that is affecting our lives today. Second, exploring our resentments will help us identify the ways in which we set ourselves up to be disappointed in others, especially when our expectations were too high. Finally, making a list of our resentments will reveal patterns that kept us trapped in a cycle of anger, or self-pity, or both.

This involves examining resentments or feelings of anger, bitterness, or resentment that the alcoholic may hold towards other people, institutions, or circumstances. The inventory may help the alcoholic identify the root causes of these resentments, their part in creating or prolonging them, and any patterns of behavior that have contributed to the conflicts.

· Resentment towards a family member who was emotionally abusive during childhood.

· Resentment towards an ex-partner who cheated and betrayed trust.

· Resentment towards a boss who unfairly passed over for a promotion.

· Resentment towards a friend who repeatedly borrowed money and didn't pay it back.

· Resentment towards a neighbor who was constantly noisy and disruptive.

· Resentment towards a religious institution that enforced strict rules and expectations.

· Resentment towards a government agency that denied benefits or services.

· Resentment towards a former friend who spread rumors or gossiped.

· Resentment towards a business partner who embezzled money from the company.

· Resentment towards a sports team that defeated a favorite team in a critical game.

The Resentment Inventory Activity can be executed as follows:

1). I’m Resentful at....

List down all persons, places, principles or sources of resentment.

2). Cause/Reasons for your resentment

List down what the person, institution, law, place or thing did to you.

3). Effect of Resentment

List down what is in you that was affected i.e. esteem, pride, emotional security, personal relationships, health, profession, security, etc. List as many as you wish, as you can.

4). SDIF(Selfishness. Dishonesty, Inconsideration and/or Fear)

Forget about what the person, institution or the law did and ask yourself the role you played in the situation. What is it that is in you that drove you to do what you did. That is, account for whether it was S-selfishness. D-dishonesty, I-inconsideration and/or F-fear.

N/B

The length of your inventory is dependent on how Honest, Thorough and Complete* you are going to be with yourself.

Fear

If we could look at the disease of addiction stripped of its primary symptoms - that is, apart from drug use or other compulsive behavior - and without its most obvious characteristics, we would find a swamp of self-centered fear.

We're afraid of being hurt, or maybe of just having to feel too intensely, so we live a sort of half-life, going through the motions of living but never being fully alive. We're afraid of everything that might make us feel, so we isolate and withdraw. We're afraid that people won't like us, so we use drugs to be more comfortable with ourselves. We're afraid we'll get caught at something and have to pay a price, so we lie or cheat or hurt others to protect ourselves.

We're afraid of being alone, so we use and exploit others to avoid feeling lonely or rejected or abandoned. We're afraid we won't have enough-of anything - so we selfishly pursue what we want, not caring about the harm we cause in the process. Sometimes, if we've gained things we care about in recovery, we're afraid we'll lose what we have, and so we begin compromising our principles to protect it.

Self-centered, self-seeking fear, is what we need to uproot so it no longer has the power to destroy. Fear of failure in a career or personal pursuit. Fear of rejection in social situations or intimate relationships. Fear of loss, such as losing a job, a loved one, or financial stability. Fear of the unknown or uncertainty about the future. Fear of confrontation or conflict with others. Fear of being vulnerable or opening up to others emotionally. Fear of being judged or criticized by others. Fear of not being good enough or measuring up to others' expectations. Fear of physical harm or injury. Fear of abandonment or being alone.

The Fear Inventory Activity can be executed as follows:

1). I’m Afraid of....

2). Cause/Reasons for your fear

3). Effect of Fear in your life

4). SDI(Selfishness. Dishonesty, Inconsideration)

Sex

This is a very uncomfortable area for most of us. In fact, we may be tempted to stop here, thinking, "Okay, this has gone far enough! There's no way I'm cataloging my sexual behavior!"

But we have to get over such unwillingness quickly. Thinking about the reason why we need to do this should help. As it says in It Works: How and Why, "We want to be at peace with our own sexuality." That's why we need to include our sexual beliefs and behaviors inventories.

It's important to remind ourselves at this point that we are not taking our inventory to compare ourselves with what we think is "normal" for others, but only to identify our own values, principles, and morals. There is no standard designated way to behave sexually.

Sexual harms cut across the act, thought, and even intentions. Infidelity or cheating on a partner; Engaging in sexual activities with minors or people who are unable to give consent; Having unprotected sex or exposing others to sexually transmitted infections (STIs); Using sex as a means of control or manipulation in a relationship; Engaging in sex work or other exploitative sexual behaviors; Using pornography or other sexually explicit material in a compulsive or harmful way; Engaging in sexual activities while under the influence of drugs or alcohol; Pursuing sexual relationships with people who are already in committed relationships; Using sexual activity as a means of escaping or avoiding emotional pain or problems; Engaging in sexually aggressive or violent behavior towards others.

The Sexual Behavior Inventory Activity can be executed as follows:

1). I’ve Hurt/Threatened....

2). Cause/Reasons for your behavior

3). Effect of such behaviors in your life

4). SDIF(Selfishness. Dishonesty, Inconsideration and/or Fear)

My Other Harms Done Inventory

This involves examining any harm that the alcoholic may have caused to others, such as lying, cheating, stealing, or causing physical or emotional harm. The inventory may help the alcoholic identify the people who have been harmed and take steps towards making amends.

· Lying to or deceiving loved ones or friends.

· Stealing money or property from others.

· Physically harming or abusing others, including verbal and emotional abuse.

· Neglecting responsibilities, such as not paying bills or failing to fulfill work obligations.

· Driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs and putting others in danger.

· Engaging in criminal activities or breaking the law.

· Disrupting or causing damage to the property of others.

· Betraying the trust of a loved one or friend.

· Causing harm or offense to someone based on their race, gender, or sexual orientation.

· Failing to live up to promises or commitments made to others.

The Other Harms Done Inventory Activity can be executed as follows:

1). I’ve Hurt/Threatened....

2). Cause/Reasons for your behavior

3). Effect of such behaviors in your life

4). SDIF(Selfishness. Dishonesty, Inconsideration and/or Fear)

Moving On and Forward

Finishing the Fourth Step can be many things - maybe a letdown, maybe exhilarating, maybe uncomfortable. However we feel, we should definitely feel good about what we've accomplished. The work we've done in this step will provide the foundation for the work we'll do in Steps Five through Nine. Now is the time to contact our sponsor and make arrangements to work Step Five